Before we become parents, we already have expectations about our children’s lives. For most of us, they are unintentional but they are there and come from, I believe, our own life experiences. I didn’t recognize this in myself until I had my first child. I didn’t consciously pre-plan his life, I just figured he’d follow a similar path to mine or my husband’s. Both of us were honor roll students, participated in school and community activities, socialized with our peers, and took on leadership roles when given the opportunity.
Jonathan was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and though extremely bright, he struggled with school work and conventional teaching methods were not effective for his style of learning. He loved structure, rules and clear, concise directions but not in the confines of a traditional learning environment. His mind was rich with creativity and he adored imaginary play but preferred it as a solitary activity over interacting with other children.
It became very clear he was never going to follow in our footsteps. There wasn’t much written or known about Aspergers when he was growing up, so we had to rely on our instincts and focusing in on what would be best for him when it came to making decisions about recommended therapies and educational interventions.
But first and foremost, we had to give up our expectations…to free him from feeling as though he was ‘less-than’ because he couldn’t be who he thought we wanted him to be. It was so liberating to let go and not worry so much about his future life but stay focused on the here and now. So, for example, college was out of the question unless we found the right school and teaching methods to tap into his brilliance. It wasn’t easy, but we did and he did go to college. And his college experience was not typical either…yet he graduated with honors.
As his mother, I know I’m important to him and he loves me. I don’t ‘expect’ him to remember my birthday, ask me about what I’m interested in, sing my praises, or think of me at all really. The Asperger mind is extremely busy and too hyper-focused to think of such social ‘trivialities’ so I’m not offended or hurt nor do I play the martyr over his unintended neglect. When he does notice me, or he says, “Hey, mom you look nice,” I’m overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude.
What most see as ‘small’ victories, we consider big celebration time in our family. Molly will run down the stairs to exclaim that her brother immediately responded to her text! I’ll do a happy dance when I call to remind him of an important TODO only to be told, “I already did it.” We marvel at his ability to remember every single detail in a book he’s read or a movie he’s seen…even if that was years ago.
No, we don’t spend time thinking about what could have been because that doesn’t really exist. Those thoughts come from a place of expectations. We choose to feel the joy in the unexpected, the glory in the seemingly mundane moments, and an appreciation for our son’s unique talents and capabilities even though they are so very different from ours.
Yes, my son taught me the blessings of no expectations…and to delight, cherish and celebrate the journey of our lives.
If you liked this post, you may like to read more about our personal autism journey.
Wonderful Jodi, no wonder he’s doing so well and continues to grow each day. God gave him to you and Dave for a reason, he knew you’d love him and lead him in the right direction. He’s amazing, funny, interesting and yes, loving. I’m so glad he’s my grand son, I couldn’t be prouder of him and can’t wait to see him each time we can.
Yes, he is all that! and your unconditional love has helped him become that way too.
Oh my this is just beautiful writing. What a wonderful mother you are. You allowed your son to shine, you nurtured who he was. And look at how much he gives us all in return. You are a trailblazer in this and I thank you a million times over for that and for sharing experiences like this.
Oh Shayla, thank you so much. Both he and Molly add so much to my life…beyond words really but reading your blog I know you understand. And you finding value in something I’ve written…that means the world to me.
I know this post is old, but I just started putting the pieces together this year and I’m now in the process of being formally diagnosed with Asperger’s as well. My twin brother has been diagnosed for a few years but because I’m a female I flew under the radar for 26 years. It explains everything and yet now I’m stuck with everyone’s “expectations”. They see me as a 26 year old adult who’s capable of living a normal life, just because I can mimic the social norms a little easier than my brother. But deep down I’m still just me and their expectations are killing me inside. How do I broach the topic with them? Does your son have any advice for me? I really want to go to college to be an artist.
Hannah, I’m not surprised that it is taking you until your adulthood to get a diagnosis. This is a familiar experience for so many women on the spectrum and there is current research that finds there is a bias in the diagnostic criteria screening tools that systematically underestimate autistic traits in females relative to males. So many of the women who write for us here on Geek Club Books–Adriana White, Tiffany Hammond, Christa Holmans, Megan Amodeo, Gretchen McIntire, Becca Lory Hector, Emma Dalmayne and Lydia Wayman were all diagnosed with ASD as adults. My suggestion is that you read some of their essays and share the ones that speak to you with your parents. You’ll find links to them and their articles here: https://geekclubbooks.com/articles-by-author/
We also did an interview with Emily from the Autistic Women and Nonbinary Network (AWN) when they released the anthology “What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew” – a book that might be good for your parents too. We also interviewed Haley Moss who did the cover art and you might enjoy learning about her and her work since you are interested in studying art at college. Here is a link to the interview: https://geekclubbooks.com/2017/03/autistic-daughter-wish/
Aoife Dooley is a very popular artist and she was diagnosed at age 27: http://aoifedooleydesign.com/
So know this, you are not alone! I think you’ll find some common ground from reading about all of these women and it will help you inform and educate your parents about women on the spectrum. Let us know if you need us to point you to more stories or resources ~ Jodi