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#AskingAutistics: What are the Challenges of Being Romantically Involved?

February 12, 2019 By Jodi Murphy Leave a Comment

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Illustration of a colorful neurodiverse brain on left with image of Christa Holmans Neurodivergent Rebel with pink hair on right

By Christa Holmans, Neurodivergent Rebel

In early February the stores begin to fill with pink, red, and white hearts. Memories of elementary school come flooding in. Suddenly I’m sitting in a small-town classroom, peering down into an empty Valentine box.

I’ve never attracted a mate who was into giving me jewelry, flowers, or chocolates and that’s fine since I’m not into any of those things. Nothing against love, but if I’m honest – I don’t really care for Valentine’s Day. Diamonds are a waste of money, and chocolate is delicious not romantic.

I’m not the sentimental type or someone who remembers how long I’ve been in a relationship. I don’t keep track of anniversaries and I remember very few birthdays. I’m a workaholic and tend to be so focused and passionate about the projects I take on that I often neglect the people I care about most.

Although I’m currently in a long-term relationship, I’m no relationship expert, so for this month’s question, I turn back to the internet. As I’ve done many times before, I open Twitter and type #ActuallyAutistic #AskingAutistics, before entering my question.

This is for anyone who’s ever had a broken heart:

Screen shot of Neurodivergent Rebel Tweet asking autistics about romantic relationships

#ActuallyAutistic #AskingAutistics – are you in a romantic relationship? What is the most difficult part of being involved with someone?

Here are some responses I think you’ll appreciate:


Routine. I have a way of doing things -everything- that my wife doesn’t share. And she likes to make plans at the last minute, both of which can lead to a great deal of anxiety.

Chris Chandler, @CDanChan


Yes, I am….the most difficult is being able to communicate…especially if there is anxiety/stress or a need to rush. Besides that, we pretty much give each other what we need.

Rosemarie, @RoseMCarreiro


I’m married. The hardest thing has been being mindful of sensory processing. Ex. My hearing is hypersensitive. If I go sleep, he starts something on television or phone, it’s not loud to him, but I can hear it and I get cranky. Just one example.

Amy M, @amygetslit


Married 30 yrs. Late adult Dx so my answer might be skewed from someone who grew up dx’d. The hardest part has been not understanding what a NT spouse needs intuitively, when I can figure out so many other things. NTs sometimes need things I need a list to remember!

Shella, @Shei_laVie


I’m married. I think one of the most difficult things for me is having to force myself to speak sometimes when my spouse or kid want a conversation. I’m often borderline non-verbal and it’s a struggle to find words.

@rabbit_fighter


I have a hard time telling details in a linear fashion, and sometimes I have to go through it 4 or 5 times before it all gets out. It’s also hard to live with a LOUD human. Any noise not made by me= loud. But 22 years of marriage later, we still like each other.

Amy Munson, @Amyluvzcoffee


I’m #ActuallyAutistic and in a long-term relationship. And still often feel painfully alone. And simultaneously deeply in love.

Magnus Hedemark, @Magnus919


TBH my relationship is the easiest part of my life right now (and for a while, we’re going on a decade together) but having family life with kids and partner is very hard with auditory processing. The multiple voices in the house, even when not speaking to me, is stressful.

Me, Just Me, @LInkIsAGirl


Read about Christa

Check out the responses for Christa’s #AskingAutistics: What’s One Thing You Wish You Would Have Known?

Our website at Geek Club Books is a platform for autistic voices, positive autism advocacy and education, and sharing autism resources we think you’ll want to know about. Here are additional categories we cover and questions we explore:

  • How to Find Resources
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Filed Under: Blog Haps, Neurodivergent Rebel, Penfriend Project Autism Columns Tagged With: #ActuallyAutistic, #AskingAutistics, neurodiversity

About Jodi Murphy

Jodi Murphy is the founder of Geek Club Books, a registered nonprofit committed to creating a world where autistic individuals are fully accepted, valued and have a voice. Her priority is bringing autistic individuals creative and leadership opportunities that are meaningful, empowering and support their advocacy. She works with a creative autistic team to produce pop culture-based autism awareness education that is innovative, engaging, positive and opens hearts and minds to a new way of thinking about autism. Sign up for Geek Club Books mailing list for free apps, resource guides, curriculum, audio stories and more: https://geekclubbooks.com/autism-bundle.

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