Why Changing My Name is One Act of "Being Brave"

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We are always sitting at the potter’s wheel in our lives. We mold who we are with our actions and thoughts each and every day and present that to the world as our greatest masterpiece (or Magnum Opus). This past month was an important one. I made a brave decision that some might find to be outside their box of comfort or understanding to establish who I truly am.

When my separation in 2014 and then subsequent divorce happened in 2015, I knew I needed to change my name again but I felt incredibly torn. Gretchen Leary had become my professional brand as an advocate and as an author despite the fact that I was no longer a part of that family.

But let’s stop for a moment and talk about family and what that means to me. Growing up wasn’t easy for me. This isn’t an article airing my biological family’s dirty laundry don’t worry! But I will share that due to many events throughout childhood, I never truly felt like I belonged.

A couple of years ago, I met someone who took me under their wing.

For the first time, I started to feel accepted as who I was no matter the battle scars. I felt like I could truly be myself with them. I got to meet their friends and family and my life started to change. My being began to evolve into someone new: someone braver.

For the past couple of months, I chewed on a big and brave idea that was presented to me by my friend and their family. What to many who might see it as “odd,” felt an incredible gift to me. I hesitated and spent several weeks thinking this through and decided it was time to stop making decisions based on other people’s possible opinions. It was time to be brave.

What they offered me was an incredible honor. They extended a welcome for me to change my last name to their family name and officially become part of their clan. It makes me emotional just thinking about that discussion. While I love my biological family very much my maiden name no longer fits who I am. I feel like I actually identify with their last name.

It makes me feel I belong.

The Scottish clan’s motto for McIntire (also known as MacIntyre) is “Per Ardua” which means “Through adversity.” After the trials and difficulties I have survived in schools, with autism, and in life in general, I don’t think I could even imagine a more appropriate last name. I’ll never forget walking up to the courthouse with the petition in my hands. My hands felt kind of clammy but I felt this sense of peace.

On the forms it asks you write the reason for your petition and I wrote “No longer wanting {previous} married name or maiden name. I chose a surname that had true meaning to me.” Nothing could be more truthful than that statement and I read those words several times as I stood in line at that courthouse.

It may be awhile yet before it has become legally official but the paperwork is in and I am awaiting a decision. I can assure you that while my decision may not have made sense to several people I know, that only made me more determined to be brave and do what felt right to me. It felt true to who I am as a person and offered me a sense of inner peace.

Sometimes the right decisions in life aren’t the popular ones.

In fact, sometimes the right decisions are the hardest decisions you’ll ever make. Sometimes the support you expected or hoped for comes after the fact and not during the time you wished for it. And, sometimes that’s exactly what we need to grow. Some things are meant for us to go through on our own.

But it is moments in my life, such as this, that I feel like I am redefined by fire. My emotional armor becomes more intricate and unique to my identify as each piece of that wet clay takes on a more solid and fierce shape. However, that potter’s wheel will keep on spinning and spinning as I keep on growing and as I step into the spirit and name of who I am and who I am meant to become.

What are some life decisions you’ve made that you had to do on your own? What helped you through that? What did you learn from that experience?